inlovewithwords: (Default)
Two years.

A lot of things happened in those two years.

Some changes here to care about:

As I try to make myself use this again, I will be mirroring the more musing-about-something posts to a WordPress blog. I'll probably keep this one separate for more personal, minutiae of the day kinds of things, or things that I feel like just looking slightly less organized about.

Anyway.

We will see how things go.
inlovewithwords: (shooting stars)
I think there is a difference between depression, bipolar, a condition, whatever, and being broken. I'm not entirely sure how to characterize the difference right now. I don't have quite the words and almost don't want to because introspection can get really unfun. But while two conditions can feed each other, you have to live with them anyway--I don't think it's a reason to avoid reaching out to people, in whatever form, no matter what lies your brain tells you. Broken... shouldn't be a reason to curl up either. And there are different forms.

But I think I've been avoiding things because I thought I was broken. And I think in some ways I am. But I guess it's mostly ones I've done to myself by listening to the lies my brain tells me. Bad side, it still hurts. Good side: I... think I can stop listening. If I find a way. Some things wrong with me are just part of me. I've been scared of what it will do to me and that I won't be able to stop it from controlling me, and I think the result is I've been letting it. Fear is a paralytic and all that.

I can get... not unbroken, maybe, but reforged. I do think I can, at least in this moment, which I expect is not one that will last. I'm having an odd moment of clarity after a prickly moment. But I also know this is the basic hurdle. I need to find a way not to be scared. Rather, to make myself act despite being scared, not caring. And need to stop letting broken break me more.

Because I want to reach out, I do. I don't want to let it shut me in. I don't want to feel like I can't place the burden of knowing me on anyone--because it shouldn't be a burden. I know this.

Honestly, I don't know how not to be terrified anymore. I hope I'll figure it out soon.

Until then, I'll smile. However much it hurts, I'll smile.
inlovewithwords: (bound to write)
Apparently ‘per day’ means ‘per sleep cycle,’ due to the bizarreness of how my sleep is currently functioning. Then again, I’m not entirely sure when it has been regular any time in the last… what, two years, probably more? Maybe ever. I really do need to do something about this.

Most of my non-cleaning-time today was spent playing Ni no Kuni some more. It remains the epitome of A Tales-x-Pokémon game as done by Studio Ghibli, or else An Interactive Studio Ghibli movie as presented by Namco (à la Tales-x-Pokémon). Either way, it remains highly entertaining and, rather shockingly, non-trivial. Battles seem to remain interesting and difficult for longer periods of time. Not only that, but resources seem rarer and more expensive, and money isn’t as powerful as I’m quite used to/would like. All in all it’s really being a wonderful playing experience—and to think I’ve got… probably at least another four major dungeons left to go. It’s exciting.

I will be off at an open mic thing tonight, and as most of yesterday was spent asleep/feeling sick/etc, with some gaming thrown in, I will have another entry up once I have slept and had another ‘day.’

(Sadly, my schedule and the world’s are not aligning well yet. I’m working on it.)
inlovewithwords: (Default)
In the trivial-minutiae update: Sleep schedules are really, really hard to manage. Blah.

To pick up where I left off yesterday... )

I still needed one other push to actually start this journal-blog-attempt, though. More on that—well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow might be drowned in chatter about The Hobbit. We’ll see.

*This is a split infinitive I'm okay with using. I feel like I'll eventually end up doing a rant on this subject. Why, brain, why.
inlovewithwords: (collide)
My name is Lee, and this is my life.

(This is why I shouldn’t throw myself whole-heartedly into fandom: I pick up syntax. Once, when I was young, I watched the horrific old BBC versions of Narnia—yes, buck-toothed Lucy. My mother insists I spoke in a British accent for weeks. I’ll stop after this one, promise. Okay, realistically, probably not. But I’ll try.)

This idea has been kicking around in my head for a long time... )

Stay tuned for more tomorrow.
inlovewithwords: (Default)
Barely twenty-four hours into this new resolution, I can already tell what the main problem with this whole endeavor will be. Like I said, I’m bad at following through on projects. The past forty-eight to seventy-two hours have been the out-pouring of creativity and obsessive-compulsive organizing behavior that precedes this. I am willing to bet very good money that it will dry up within the next couple days again. But I’ll try to keep it up this time. Hopefully it won’t just be me dashing to post the first thing on my mind, or hysterics or random (and possibly unmerited) gleefulness. I’d kind of like this to be worth it. It’s an odd feeling, to say the least.

Hmm. I was about to type ‘maybe if I get badgered about it by people, I will keep it up this time.’ But that’s actually the wrong approach, isn’t it? This needs to be for me. It doesn’t stop me from hoping other people will enjoy it, of course. I like entertaining and informing and educating, assuming I know enough to educate.

The other, very real danger with all this is that I might do an outpouring of material, saved on my computer, and then decide to post that ‘instead of writing that day’ due to having a backlog. So, I am going to set some ground-rules:
  • Each day will have new writing, at least a hundred words, preferably closer to five hundred.
  • If I think I may develop an overabundance of backlog posts, I will begin writing down ideas, but not write out the entry itself. If I lack material for that day, I will post that instead.
  • If I feel, for some reason, that I have something which must go up sooner rather than later, I am allowed two (max three) entries for the day, bar emergency needs.
  • I am allowed to schedule posts as I feel the need to talk about them, but make myself pace things.
  • I may use a separate tag for such extra posts, to distinguish from the daily entries.
  • Every week I will post a ‘fractal image of choice’ or maybe a song/CD/whatever.
  • I feel something is really too private, I won’t feel obligated to post it. If I do post, though, I will not, absolutely will not be afraid to say what is on my mind (bar some allowance for discretion).
  • Corollary: I will try not to have knee-jerk reactions. No promises.
  • If I really feel the need for some emotional release, I will actually do so.
  • After the initial post or two to set the tone, I promise I’ll use cuts. Non-scout’s honor.
You have been given fair warning. Will you follow me into this attempt to find some order in the chaos, while letting it flow free?

Finally, if anyone wants to point me to places for awesome icons, make/find me a pretty profile layout, and/or suggest/make/whatever a good journal layout (though I’m fond of the one I have), I’d love that.

(I think I successfully avoided split infinitives in this post! I am so happy.)
inlovewithwords: (Default)
I’m giving this ‘has a blog-journal’ thing another go.

I am thoroughly—even painfully—aware that I am unlikely to make it work. There are any number of reasons (first and foremost, of course, being empirical evidence). But it has been repeatedly observed that I work best with a schedule, and maybe if I can actually force myself to write a little every day, non-attempt-at-fiction, it’ll help my brain.

This was not my idea, originally. I got a journal partly to play with, post and share writing with, and mostly to follow the lead of a loved one. Once that wasn’t a concern, my regularity eventually dropped off. I haven't posted in something approaching two years, and then mere trivialities. This time it needs to be for me. I am known among my friends for my loquaciousness, not being afraid to say what I think, and (if I’m in the mood) refusing to let go of an argument until I win or it dies a savage, bloody death. I’m not sure why I don’t write, ‘speak’ all those random thoughts ‘out loud,’ as it were. Maybe I should.

So these entries will be all over the place, some daily minutiae, some Thinky Thoughts, some fandom flailing, some RP and/or writing thoughts, LARPing and tabletop stories, maybe book or movie reviews (‘fandom flailing’), hopefully some personal growth, some politics or philosophy or mathematics or what have you, some more emotional stuff.

A policy I instituted when I dealt with the other (at least, after some point, I forget when exactly) was a refusal to use filters. I’m no hacker, but I’ve heard it’s pretty easy to crack these things, but that doesn’t exactly matter. I know how word of mouth/Twitter/DW-or-LJ/Plurk/FailFacebook/chat client of choice works. Unless I really have something I would rather keep to a list of people I at least vaguely know (i.e., very TMI topics), I won’t use filters.

Comments on this post, however, are filtered. As this is my explanatory sticky-post, if you want to get in touch with me or friend the journal, this is the place to do it.

Yes, it's lacking in previous entries. I'll keep an archive; ask if you want to see it. But I want a clean slate.

I was recently inducted into love of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, so that tag-line is on my brain.

My name is Lee, and these are my rambling thoughts.

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Lee

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