inlovewithwords: (shooting stars)
I think there is a difference between depression, bipolar, a condition, whatever, and being broken. I'm not entirely sure how to characterize the difference right now. I don't have quite the words and almost don't want to because introspection can get really unfun. But while two conditions can feed each other, you have to live with them anyway--I don't think it's a reason to avoid reaching out to people, in whatever form, no matter what lies your brain tells you. Broken... shouldn't be a reason to curl up either. And there are different forms.

But I think I've been avoiding things because I thought I was broken. And I think in some ways I am. But I guess it's mostly ones I've done to myself by listening to the lies my brain tells me. Bad side, it still hurts. Good side: I... think I can stop listening. If I find a way. Some things wrong with me are just part of me. I've been scared of what it will do to me and that I won't be able to stop it from controlling me, and I think the result is I've been letting it. Fear is a paralytic and all that.

I can get... not unbroken, maybe, but reforged. I do think I can, at least in this moment, which I expect is not one that will last. I'm having an odd moment of clarity after a prickly moment. But I also know this is the basic hurdle. I need to find a way not to be scared. Rather, to make myself act despite being scared, not caring. And need to stop letting broken break me more.

Because I want to reach out, I do. I don't want to let it shut me in. I don't want to feel like I can't place the burden of knowing me on anyone--because it shouldn't be a burden. I know this.

Honestly, I don't know how not to be terrified anymore. I hope I'll figure it out soon.

Until then, I'll smile. However much it hurts, I'll smile.
inlovewithwords: (Book fetish)
So, that epic sluggishness and total lack of inspiration I have been attributing mostly to my predictable-in-several-ways drop-off in energy?

Last night, just after I’d closed the computer for the night and headed off to bed, my roommate got home and we instituted a House Cleaning. I had done some, and did a little more, but I was feeling light-headed and stuffy and just entirely off. Now, as a rule I run hot (somehow I need colder living environment than the others) but I was switching between that and freezing. ‘Oh well, it is winter,’ I thought. My roommate saw how I looked, told me to take it easier. I thought to myself, ‘huh, she was sick last week. Funny, that.’

Hah. Ha ha. Ha.

Yes, yes, I know. I should pay attention more often, but there you have it. It’s only a low-grade fever, and it’s not so bad. It does explain the lethargy and the greater-than-usual lack of appetite. Despite all that, I dragged myself out to lunch with K today (thankfully my ear-warming headband arrived before then, or it would have been painful). Better, only Roommate J’s boyfriend and two very dear friends turned up at our Monday Night In gathering, so I actually stayed in the living room and chatted with people till almost midnight.

As such, I am a little bit people’d out and my brain is still simmering. So I’ll just say ‘night for now.

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Lee

May 2016

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